My Heart Belongs to Sam Hill....or is that Cooter Brown?

Spend my dollar
Parked in a holler 'neath the moutain moonlight
Holdin' her up tight
Make a little lovin'
A little turtle dovein' on a Mason-Dixon night
It's my life
Oh so right
My Dixieland Delight

Whitetail buck deer munchin' on clover
Redtailed hawk sitting on a limb
Chubby ol' groundhog
Croakin' bullfrog
Free as a feeling in the wind
Home grown country girl
Gonna give me a whirl
On a Tenessee Saturday night
Lucky as a seven
Livin' in Heaven
With my dixieland delight

"Dixieland Delight" by Alabama


Today we will focus on that enigma that is Southern colloquialisms. It is our heritage, gifts from our forefathers from this side of the Mason-Dixon line. And, it is disappearing faster than polar bears, the ozone layer, and celebs who die from prescription drug addictions all combined. Equally concerning is the rate at which we Southern chillrens misuse, misquote, and similarly butcher these age old pearls of wisdom. I first came upon this EXCELLENT blog idea from an April 2009 Dallas Morning News article by the man who is the GENIUS humorist Steve Blow. Sure, Mr. Blow covers all sorts of amazing human interest stories in his column, but to me he is simply hilarious when he hops on his Southern soapbox and uses that brilliant sarcastic wit. I love this thought so much that I could write a book on the subject......but wait! No need! Mesquite's own Bill Cannon did that recently with his "A Treasury of Texas Sayings." Though I have not read Mr. Cannon's book, I'm sure he also covers several of the chiches that I will include in this entry. I practice the Golden Rule of blogging! I would want others to give me proper credit for all my intensely amazing stuff, so I shall do the same. And, even though these are my original takes on the euphemisms, gettin' sued ain't no fun, right folks? Also, there are WAAAAY too many of these quotables to examine, so I just picked my favorites. Like Bobby Brown (and Britney - who is a Southern Belle, ya'll) says, "That's my prerogative!"

First we will tackle the area of misuse. If you're going to use a Southern cliche, please, please use it right! This may mean that even the way yer Momma taught you wasn't quite correct. I live in a small town in Texas. Last winter I was at a high school football game (it's a religious experience here) when I overheard a young 'un say that someone at a party was "drunker 'n Cootie Brown." OK...first, cooties are something that you get pretend shots for in kindergarten ("circle, circle, dot, dot....")The correct verbiage is "drunker 'n Cooter Brown." Not Cootie, not Tooter, and certainly not Pooter Brown. Secondly, I did some research and, though no one can identify the original Cooter, apparently he was very drunk, but not so much so that he didn't know his own name. How about this one...(said YEARS ago at a local high school in a different town by a TEACHER no less!): A young man walks down the icy sidewalk outside with no coat and is obviously FREEZING. Said person turns and says, "And here I thought shivering was dead!" I assure you that shivering is alive and well, as is CHIVALRY, which is what she should have said IF the young man were to have been performing a gentlemanly and charitable act toward a young maiden (mentally picture the old coat over the mud puddle trick). Similarly, years ago I was serving cupcakes to my daughter's 1st grade class in honor of her birthday (back when we were allowed to stop class and do things like this). As I was nearing the back of the classroom, a precious little girl with icing all over her mouth pulled on my sleeve and proclaimed that my cupcakes were so good that she felt obligated to "slap her fanny." Now I have to shoulder the blame - I could not correct her - she was just too cute! 75 years from now when the entire state is saying "slap your fanny" it will be my fault! Of course, what she meant to say was, "so good it'll make you slap your mammy/pappy" (depending on the version you were taught). Finally, though I didn't personally observe this transaction, a good friend chimed in to tell me about the time her son saw another little boy scratch his privates while playing on the playground one afternoon. My friend's son looked at her at said,"Ewwww! He must have an itch in his getalong." Itch - hitch, tomato - tomahto...out of the mouths of babes. At least they're forgivable!

While plenty of our charming Southern phrases are dying a slow, cruel death, others are alive and seemingly well, in my house at least! For instance, let's examine Mr. Hill, Sam Hill, that is - as in, "What in the Sam Hill is going on in here?" To my understanding, it started with someone's idea (probably some kid's mom)of substituting a more palatable version of the word hell with hill. I have no idea who popped Sam onto the beginning. While not misquoted, the phrase "sick as a dog (dawg)" is technically abused when you consider that a sick dog either pukes or gets the runs. Therefore, you should really only proclaim yourself to be as sick as the proverbial dog if you are experiencing severe gastrointestinal issues which are propelling from an orifice. My absolute favorite saying comes straight from my Daddy, Mr. Ted Stilwell himself! Upon encountering a rather healthy female walking away from him, he was known to say (if the view wasn't to his liking), "looks like two pigs tryin' ta git out of a toe sack." I think the term burlap sack can also be substituted. Of course, we take many Southern liberties here. My husband is infamous for shaving w's off of words, hence we look out of "winduhs", sleep on "pilluhs", and grow "yelluh" roses. See, even bankers get bitten by the sweet, syrupy, Southern language bug!

Those are the most common foibles, in my opinion. I'm sure you have your own set of perplexing word combinations that you might like to share with us. We'd be mighty glad for you to add your pet peeves to our comments. There are some that defy logic to the point that I need someone much smarter and wiser than myself to translate. For instance, my mother used to tell me (when I misbehaved) that she was going to "knock the pea wadden out of me". Of course I never misbehaved, so I'm sure I only heard that comment once in my entire life! Maybe that's why I don't understand it? Is that pea or pee? What is wadden? Some sort of cotton batting? My mother also used to ask me if I would enjoy a trip to "Fist City." In my imaginative only child mind, Fist City MUST look exactly like Dodge City did in "Gunsmoke." There was surely a saloon and a Miss Kitty to entertain the cowboy troops. I thought a trip to Fist City might be quite delightful, actually. My mother also refers to low-down, no good, rotten, dirty scoundrels as "Jake Legs." Perhaps one of you could tell me who this Jake fellow is and what in the Sam Hill is wrong with his leg? IDK? So, there it all is - in a Southern nutshell - the life and times of the Southern sayings. Let's use them. Use them often - Use them correctly - but please use them. I assure you that Fist City is an endangered species and I here there are only 2 Jake Legs left in the wild!