I've Got the Smelly Cat Blues, et al

Take this job and shove it
I ain't workin' here no more
My woman done left and took all the reason I was working for
Ya better not try and stand in my way
Cause I'm walkin', out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

"Take This Job & Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck

Let's lament, shall we? I present to you today an age old story told by every woman of every era since the beginning of time (presumably I just lost all of my male readers, right?). Now, as most of you have, I've spent time on both sides of the coin. I was a working single girl. Then I was a working married girl. Then I was a working married mom who went back to school. I've been a stay-at-home mom. I've been a working married mom. I've been a single working mom. I went back to being a working married mom. Now I'm a stay-at-home "person" without the mom part. I will tell you this much - I have NEVER worked as much as I work when I'm at home! Can I get an AMEN?? Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it that we feel obligated to prove our self worth by perfecting the art of homemaking? Do we feel shamed by being unemployed (as many are right now) so we have to toil and trudge in front of the world lest we be cast aside as worthless? And, what about that public perception? I, for one, have never seen a bon-bon. I do watch one soap opera, ok, but only while cleaning the baseboards with a tooth brush (and never on Tuesdays or Thursdays 'cause nothing important ever happens on those days). Now, my purpose here is not to start a debate on who works the hardest. I feel fortunate right now to be at home. I know it will not last forever. I will still be the same person when I return to the workforce - have the same interests, tell the same jokes, have the same fears. There is no work vs. not work battle in my world. I just think we are all the bomb.com, ok? What I really want to address is the female role in a family. You see, I have worn some perplexing hats over the years. This has only become more bizarre in this last year.

#1...Personal Chef - It seems, on the surface, at least, like cooking for two would mean less time, less money, and less hassle than cooking for a whole brood, right? WRONG! I've never stressed over mealtime the way I do when it's just the two of us! What to do? Are we really doomed to a life of baked chicken and instant mashed potatoes forever? Why is it so difficult for me to master portion control? I either make enough for one or enough for 10 - there seems to be no middle ground. "Hey, Kevin, want another one of my super-yummy sandwiches? No??? OK, I'll make you what you want and I'll make me what I want and I'll see you in about 6 hours after I've gotten everything prepared, plated, and cleaned up." Thank goodness for Wednesday nights! I love when the masses convene here and I can cook for my little pseudo army!

#2...Uncertified Vet Tech - TLC should come and film a Mystery Diagnosis episode at my house! I have 3 dogs and a cat that all live inside. It's like having 4 little children who never grow up! I have my own personal Neverland ranch goin' on here! Everyone has an issue, too. Mr. Berk is a little weenie dog/chihuahua/God-knows-what mix. He passes gas on a continual basis. He has a very sensitive stomach - you never know when little Vesuvius is going to erupt! He has bouts of explosive diarrhea about once a week. If you are ever at my house and see him cowering in the corner - yell for me immediately. We have about 37 seconds to get him outside. I have found that one Immodium tucked into a hot dog works wonders on Mr. Berk. He also has very crooked teeth and a cross bite, so food and various bacterias inevitably get trapped in his chompers. Chynna used to brush his teeth every night. Suffice it to say that this falls toward the bottom of my list of daily chores. Sorry Mr. Berk - I will try harder. Say cheese! Now we have Opie. Ope is a pug - he snorts, he sneezes constantly, he is a heavy breather, he snores like a freight train, he gets eye boogers constantly......and his nickname is "Pisser". I can constantly be seen walking around behind Opie with a bottle of Pine-Sol and a dish towel. Pugs can't stay outside for long periods of time when it's hot, so he's my little companion for the summer. Walk, walk, walk - spray....walk, walk, walk...spray. On to the next patient - Lucybird Johnson - also a weenie extraordinaire. She really doesn't have any bad issues: she's adorable, she has perfect teeth, & she does the sweetest little trick called the "tootsie roll". She will, however, eat anything. Metal....plastic....stone....a $20 bill....books....shoes...grass...blankets....entire socks - little miss cast iron stomach can digest anything. If you come to my house you'll be looking for your stuff when you leave because I will have hidden it from Lucy - I am currently designing a complex ceiling grid where we can pull down hooks for purses and shoes! Finally we have miss Penelope Cruz Moon - my almost 10 year old cat and currently my source of greatest frustration. There's nothing wrong with Kitty. She's just getting old. She's a beautiful Ragdoll cat with hair that literally grazes the floor (and, hence, the litter box....just wait, we're getting there). Her eyes are crossed. She's never been outside, unless you count the time that Chynna and I were out of town and she was mysteriously lost for 3 days and was somehow gang-raped by a group of hoodlum tomcats. Anyway - kitty is having some digestive issues. I don't want to gross anyone out, but have you ever tried to bathe a cat? It ain't easy. I found it necessary to shove her nether regions under the bathroom faucet yesterday and scrub my little heart out. Next, I practically had to sit on poor Kitty as I took a barber's comb and my sharpest scissors - I call it the Booty Cut. I am soooo tired of trying to wipe her little kitty butt - so I decided to rid her of the main issue- all that long hair. So, Kitty got Farrah inspired wings all around her pooper. I hope it helps! God bless anyone who has tried to groom a cat.

There have been countless other specialties in my practice lately. Take for instance, snail farming. Carter decided to collect snails the other day and he fully expected me to create a habitat where they would live happily ever after and procreate. Imagine my horror when they both disappeared the next day. Who would guess that two little snails could move a People magazine off of a shoebox? (Cue the Ant/Rubber Tree Plant song). Then, of course, there's my current position as Cemetery Interior Designer. I am CONSTANTLY at the cemetery hanging charms, ribbons, rearranging, repurposing, repositioning. I can't stand for anything to look dirty or disheveled. I'm also a professional dry cleaner. "Hey Mom - I don't understand this at all. I got ketchup on this shirt a month ago and when I washed it yesterday it wouldn't come out." I'm also a financial whiz - I can tell you at any moment what's on sale this week and where...and I probably have a coupon you can use. I am a human TV Guide, too. Since I was sick last year, I finally got to sit down in the evenings and watch TV, for lack of enough energy to do anything else. I know exactly when my favorite shows come on, where the first runs are, where the repeats are....and what's in store for next season! I'm also an official celebrity stalker. My BFF's are Rachel Ray, Kyra Sedgwick, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt (they just don't know it yet). Jennifer, if you're out there somewhere, PLEASE get rid of dumb old Cameron Manheim and hire me instead! We could make beautiful BFF music on Ghost Whisperer - really, we could! Deputy Chief Brenda Lee Johnson, don't you need a secretary or a housekeeper or something?

OK - I have effectively vented for now. Perhaps I dive into these predicaments to keep my mind from wandering to those dark places? Perhaps I am just a little mentally off and too much of a perfectionist? Perhaps , though, I just like for my family to have a wonderful experience when they're here & maybe I think a furry little body to cuddle up with on TV night is a wonderful thing. So, I'll keep stretching it to the max and probably develop a few other specialties between now and then. And, maybe I'll try making some bon-bons this weekend!