Writer's Block

Everybody's talkin' at me
I don't hear a word they're sayin'
Only the echoes of my mind

People stopping, staring
I can't see their faces
Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining
Through the pouring rain
Going where the weather suits my clothes
Backing off the north east wind
Sailing on a summer breeze
And skipping over the ocean like a stone

"Everybody's Talking" written by Fred Neil, performed by Harry Nilsson

Life changed for me. At first, it was a difficult realization. I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to be excited about planning a vacation. I wanted to care that my favorite author released a new book. I wanted to be happy about buying new shoes, going out to eat, or even the holidays. It just didn't work that way, though. I guess it's not different....just indifferent. You don't care that you just don't care. It's not depression - it's really not. It's not a bad feeling, but more of an absence of feeling. I think our minds just try to protect us from our own devices - not too happy, not too sad, not too anything. I get happy now - I get sad...I have a full range of emotions these days. But, things are still different.

I, like every other woman of a certain age in this country, watched Oprah last week when she interviewed Elizabeth Edwards. Yes, we were all waiting with our proverbial baited breath for that moment when we just knew she was going to slam John and throw down some insults on that hussy who dared interfere with her life. What I was not expecting, though, was for Elizabeth to utter a phrase that would take me by surprise. I was not expecting her to sum up my whole last year and maybe the rest of my life with one sentence. I gasped! I couldn't breathe. It was just one sentence, but it was so perfect, so surreal....I have not been able to put it into words, but Elizabeth did just that. She said what I could not. What were those words? Elizabeth said, "Death looks different to someone who has put a child in the ground. ..." To me, that speaks volumes. That is a picture containing millions and billions of words. It is, simply put, the perfect thing to say.

Elizabeth and I belong to a sisterhood with a very weird dynamic. We both lost a child. We both had cancer. We both got better. She got sick again. I will most likely be fine....but I could be her in a few years. Then again, so could you! We just don't know about the future. Some people prosper, others do not. Some people have great luck, others do not. Some people realize their potential, others do not. I used to panic about these things. How can I pad the odds in my favor so that I can go to sleep every night knowing deep in my heart that I'm going to be one of the lucky ones? What is the magic formula for prosperity? For success? For fame and fortune? I don't worry about these things anymore. I'm not the least bit concerned with getting cancer again or being lucky or achieving perfection....I'm finally at peace with the facts. I control nothing. Death is not a bad guy that I can fight. It is not a game that I can win. It is definitely not a test that I can study and pass. It is, quite simply, our last chapter in the book of our life. It will come for all of us. There is no escape. There shouldn't be. Death isn't scary, folks. Sure, it's sad. It numbs your soul for a while. It makes you doubt everything you thought you knew. I watched "Wedding Crashers" this weekend with my mother (go ahead, roll your eyes! What a movie to watch with your mom, right?) There is a squishy, gushy quote during the maid-of-honor's toast where she says, "Love is the soul's realization of it's counterpoint in another." I think that is very true. I have another quote for you. Death is the soul's realization of truth. Don't waste one minute of the rest of your life worrying about death. We are all dying - it's just a matter of when. The book of your life has already been started. Chances are, you're somewhere in the middle - characters have been defined - there's a hero, an antagonist. Our books all have the same ending. It's up to you what goes into all the chapters in between. Write well.....write pure.....write slowly.....but, write like you mean it! And, don't you dare be scared. You may not understand this, but, at least in my case, I have a princess waiting for me on the other side.