Little Edie Meets Scarlett O'Hara and Penelope Pitstop!

If you decide someday to stop this little game that you are playin'
I'm gonna tell you all that my heart's been a-dyin' to be sayin'
Just like a ghost, you've been a-hauntin' my dreams
So I'll propose... on Halloween.
Baby, love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you
Ah, spooky, yeah-uh!

"Spooky" (the Atlanta Rhythym Section version)

My mental health has been the topic of much discussion of late. Understandably, everyone has been very concerned about me since Chynna left us (I really cannot bring myself to actually say that she died - it is just so harsh, like a mouthful of sand that you just can't spit out completely. I prefer to say that she just left - much softer and twice as sweet rolling off the tongue, don't you think? Recently, though, someone that I did not know overheard that statement and asked me if she had gone missing.....and I felt awful! For clarification, if you don't know me....my daughter passed away. She is not missing....but I miss her). I have also been worried about my own mental health at various points along the way of this journey. I'm fine. It's all good. I'm not developing multiple personalities. I'm not going to turn out like Sharon on "The Young and the Restless", bumbling around town stealing the likes of random families' pictures and Victor's prized egg. But.....if I were to have a multiple personality disorder....I wonder which personalities would surface? Hmmm.....

The obvious choice would be an intensely Southern character. Let's call her "Pearl" (my great-grandmother had a thing for baubles, hence the names of my great-aunts Jewel and Opal). Pearl would say all the things that I really want to say but just can't force out. She would smoke...and drink whisky...and never wear shoes (If you are a member of my family, you will immediately recognize Aunt Johnnie's influence). Pearl, in my mind's eye, would dress like a western harlot circa 1875. Remember the Diane Lane character of "Laurie Darlin" in "Lonesome Dove"? Pearl will tell you exactly where you stand. Pearl does not mince words. Pearl cusses like a sailor. Pearl wins bar fights. Pearl can take care of herself. She lives alone, probably in a cabin she built with her own two hands. She does not ride her horse side-saddle. Pearl does not need a man...but all the men want her. Her favorite saying? "Hey ya'll....ya'll seen that Marshall anywhar?"

The next persona I think could emerge from my psyche is a bit more dramatic. I'm not very mysterious....but I wanna be. Mysterious, however, rides a fine line with its neighbor reclusive. Think of the Baldwin sisters from "The Waltons" with a little bit of Big AND Little Edie thrown in for flavor. Maybe Marie Laveau meets the crazy aunts in "Practical Magic"? Her name is definitely "Epiphany" (did anyone see Angel Heart?) I would be scarier than any urban legend. Small children would dare each other to ring my doorbell. I would be accused of casting a spell in times of economic depression...I would be thought the responsible party for the swine flu, drought, pestilence, you name it! No one would dare cross my path. Yet with every test that someone needed to pass, with every cheating husband, even to catch the eye of an unrequited love....they'd be knocking on my door. My motto? "Oh what a tangled web I weave!"

Finally, I can definitely identify with this enigma.....the damsel in distress! Meet the last character in the trilogy of my disorder, "Hope" (extremely virtuous but "hoping" she gets her way). Equal parts dumb girl in scary movie that runs toward the monster and Penelope Pitstop with a dash of Scarlett herself, I really mean well, but I just keep getting in these horrible predicaments! I can't help it. And, neither can you, handsome hero who wants to hate me but winds up risking life and limb over and over to ride your white horse to my rescue. I am the ultimate Disney princess and the original, authentic conniving b*&#h all rolled into one! Definitely smart enough figure my way out of any jam, why should I when you're there to save me from myself? My mantra? Gotta be the classic "HAYelp! HAYelp may!"

Don't worry, I feel pretty certain I can keep my demons at bay. Everyone relax. Still, one never knows! I may be calling you if I'm cornered by one of those "mane ol' naasteh snaykes" in the park. If you talk about me behind my back and happen to come down with a sudden onset of pustular adult acne...hmmmm? I really don't like whisky, though. Can western heroines drink Merlot instead?