Local Gypsy Sought in Park Scare - More at 10pm

Let's Get it started, in here...
And the bass keep runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin'
And runnin', runnin' and...

In this context, there's no disrespect- So, when I bust my rhyme, you break your necks
We got five minutes for us to disconnect- From all intellect like the rhythm effect
To lose your inhibition -Follow your intuition
Free your inner soul and break away from tradition
'Cause when we beat out, girl, it's pullin' without
You wouldn't believe how we wow s*&t out
Burn it 'til it's burned out -Turn it 'til it's turned out
Actin' up from north, west, east, south

Everybody, everybody, let's get into it
Get stupid
Get it started,
get it started,
get it started
let's get it started in here -Yeah

"Let's Get it Started" The Black Eyed Peas

Yes, the runner. That's me! I want to be a runner. Not a walker. Not a jogger. I want to be a runner. Just pop my head onto Flo Jo's body and watch me go, Jenny. I want to feel the wind in my hair. I want those endorphins! I want that runner's bod! There is just one small, teeny-tiny, potentially problematic issue. I HATE to run. I think it is physically impossible for me to do so. My ankles hit together when I run! I didn't even know that was a potential hazard? Did you know that there is a funny bone in the human inner ankle area? Trust me, there is - it hurts like poop when your inner ankles bump together. I also have a tendency to step on my own big toes when I run. Have you ever seen a woman with a little boy's burr haircut howling in pain from the constant bumping together of her inside ankle bones AND stepping on her own big toes? It ain't pretty. Trust me, I'm trying. I shall not give up! I do it for all of us. We, the few, the proud, the completely and totally unathletic....I will not let us down. I will tread (on my own ankles) to the places we have only dreamed we'd go. I do, however, have a few questions. Maybe you will know the answers. After all, if I'm going to do this for all of you wannabe Olympians out there, I should at least understand fully the miracle that is.....The Idiot's Guide to Running.

First of all, level with me. Is there anything I can do about my excessively jiggly derriere? Do I just have to deal with it? Honestly, it reminds me of that weight bobber on a fishing pole - you know, the thingy that keeps the minnow from swimming up to the surface? I'm like a brim fisherman with a weight that was meant for a blue whale! I swear I could run like 90 miles an hour were it not for my butt. I thought I MIGHT be a swimmer instead of a runner, but I don't like to get water up my nose and I was afraid that a Spaniard might swim by me, stick a flag in my butt, and proclaim me as the new world! Can't have that. So, running it is....but VERY slowly - I am definitely a V4 trying to pull a Hemi engine! So.....do ya just let it bounce? It's gettin' pretty jiggy back there (do people still say that?). Will all that friction make it bigger or smaller? This is but one of the things I must know.

Secondly, I don't know what to wear. I don't think the sassy ladies wear those bicycle shorts under the running shorts anymore, al a 1995. I tried wearing sweat pants, but that looked scarily PTA mom-ish and a tad like a fleecy Steve Earkel. I even tried long athletic shorts, but with this hair I look like a 5 year old little boy dressing up in NBA clothes. I did find one pair of uber chic low waisted capri sweat pants. AMAZING....except that on me they looked like I was planning on running across a flood plane. Also, can they not make running shoes under $100 that won't make my feet look like canoes? No wonder I step on my own feet! They're so darn big in those shoes. Can't they make attractive flip flops to run in - the constant bumping of my big toenails against the inside of my canoe means a slow, cruel death to a pedicure.

Finally, I need some coaching on proper running protocol. When one is running and happens upon a lovely family standing still across the JOGGING PATH, shoulder to shoulder, thereby obscuring the entire trail, what are one's choices? Can't go over it. Can't go around it. Can't go under it. Does one jog in place until said family finishes gazing at the elusive North American Speckeldy Heckedly Tweety Tweet? Would it be improper to say, "Excuse me huge-mongous Duggar-esque family, please move your canoes off the path so we high brow runners can swoosh past you? " Also, what does everyone do with all their accouterments? Yesterday I "ran" (what I do doesn't really qualify as an actual run yet....perhaps I am like a hummingbird, running so fast that I look like I'm standing still?) with my Ipod, my phone, a pen, a Wal-Mart receipt to use as a message pad (I was expecting a call, ok!), a jacket (in case I got cold), sunglasses, and my keys. I looked like a portable kiosk and sounded like a gypsy! Pair that image with the 8th continent jiggling behind me and it's no wonder the hot guy I spotted was running so much faster than I was.....he feared for his life. There was an androgynous gypsy running after him who was tripping itself and carrying a portable office. But, just like Forrest, wherever I will go from now on, I will be runnING! More like running on empty, I suppose!