George Eat Old Gray Rat at Phillip's House Yesterday

Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With my friend to call my own I'll never be alone
And you my friend will see, you've got a friend in me

Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind and don't like what you find
There's something you should know, you've got a place to go

I used to say, "I", And "Me"
Now it's "Us", Now it's "We"

Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again if they had a friend like Ben
Like Ben, like Ben



"Ben" -written by Scharf, Walter, Black, Don & sung by the incomparable MJ himself



Rats! No, seriously, I have rats. I have A rat, at least. I'm trying to convince myself that it's "one, singular sensation, every little step she takes." Still, I don't see "my" rat starring in A Chorus Line anytime soon. Yes, I choose to think she's a large she and not a he rat. She has excellent musical taste, otherwise, why would SHE be frequenting my humble abode? After all, who else in my neighborhood plays classical music in their kitchens while slaving away at work all day? See, I also keep my amazingly precious dogs kenneled in the kitchen during the work week. Gotta have the classical music jammin', though I did try Spanish speaking radio for a while thinking it would make the pups tre' sophisticated. It didn't. They do like to bark at Selma Hayek, though. Every time the trailer for Savages is on TV they go crazy! But.....back to my rattus norvegicus (that's how those in the know talk about their vermin guests). HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLPPPP MMMMMEEEEEEEEE!

"A Rat", by Dina Moon (poetic version). "A ratticus in my atticus. Sounds so quite sympaticus! With my whole wheat pita bread you are in love...icus."

"A Rat - The Remix", also kind of by Dina Moon (rap version). "Yo, yo, yo baby rat come here and give me a kiss (no, don't). Bettah make it fast or else I'm feedin' you a dish (of poison)."

*************************************and finally*************************************************

"Gone with the Rat", inspired by Dina Moon (theatrical version). Dina: "Rat, rat, where evah are you goin'? Why, oh why, are you choosin' to ravish your rodent tendencies in my plantation?" Rat: "Frankly, Dina, I don't give a d#$n!"

So, here we sit. I have a rat, who apparently, LOVES living in my kitchen. Why rat? Why not mouse? Well, this lovely rodent lady saw fit to down a WHOLE BAG of whole wheat pita bread rounds yours truly likes to have with the amazing hummus I keep handy. Exhibit A: Imagine my shock with I pulled out my bag of near zero calorie pita bites to find that the package was EMPTY! I accused everyone of being the pita bandit, but they all looked at me like I was crazy and said, in unison, "What the heck is a pita?" Exhibit B: My husband brought home the dreaded Mrs. Baird's cinnamon rolls. I rolled my eyes - surely he will start understanding I wound never eat something so repulsive as packaged cinnamon rolls! Yet, 24 hours later, who was ready to throw caution to the wind and scarf down a luscious, impeccably iced, cinnamonly morsel of amazingness (on the patio with coffee, of course)...THIS GIRL! Until I noticed the corner of the package. It didn't exist. Until I noticed the missing Mercedes hood ornament sized section of cinnamon roll. It didn't exist, either. Ok, so maybe I accused someone's bratty kid at Kroger of wedging a pudgy finger in MY cinnamon roll package and devouring MY corner of sugary, guilty, yumminess. But, this ain't my first rodeo. I knew better. Something cinnamon was rotten in Denmark! Out, out you darn cinnamon rolls. And, so, I threw them away. (WAAAAAAAAH!) Exhibit C: That was NOT a partial chocolate chip snippet on the countertop the next morning. Enough said!

So, what's a working girl to do? Wanna catch a bigger mouse? GET A BIGGER MOUSE TRAP! Sure, I initially wanted to trap the lil lady live and release her into a pristine field somewhere in a proverbial rattus norvegicus Eden, complete with lavender and pita plants galore. Realistically, though, do you know what a live trap costs? GEESH. Nevermind. Let's annihilate the sucker! That is how I wound up choosing the top o' the line, cutting edge, REUSABLE, GINORMOUS sophistimacated rat trap! (Go, me) But, my rat catchin' life - it ain't been no crystal stair. Night 1: trap set on top of counter. Trap tripped. Cheese abandoned in favor of life saving measures. Trap winds up in kitchen floor. No rat. Night 2: Trap is set in floor (she's smart enough to push it off counter without experiencing Ratticide). Trap not tripped. Cheese still in trap. No dice. Night 3: Trap set in floor with peanut butter (OOOOOOOOOH! AHHHHHHHHH!). Trap NOT TRIPPED AGAIN. Peanut butter left in tact. Houston, I have a problem. Night 4: Trap set on other side of kitchen in the floor with cheese AND peanut butter AND bread. Trap STILL NOT TRIPPED. Whole smorgasbord left in tact. Egad, she's onto me. I fear I am turning into a girl version of Abraham Lincoln, Vermin Hunter.

Fast forward (cue Gilligan's Island dream sequence music).......it's a year from now. I come home early from work one day. There she is, Ophelia (yes, I named her - it's classic and tragic, don't you think?). She's wearing my new Nike capri workout pants and doing my TapOut MMA workout in the living room. Her abs are amazing. Later, I see her drinking a glass of my merlot and chatting with the dogs about the perils of eating dog food high in fat. Next she takes a bubble bath and washes her fur with my Kerastase zero phosphate shampoo - she contemplates dousing herself with my It's a 10 leave in conditioner, but decides to do that in the AM, instead. She favors peep toe platform pumps, Michael Kors purses, and only real pearls. She refuses to get any body piercings but wants a tiny tattoo of the infinity symbol. She knows the words to all the Miranda Lambert songs.Yep, that Ophelia is a really cool rat. Sure, she poops on the kitchen counter and has a predisposition for rabies and certain types of mites. Still, she's a survivor!

On the other hand, HHHHHHHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP MMMMMEEEEEEE!
A rat by any other name is still eating my pitas and listening to my classical music and I won't have it one minute longer! Tonight, maybe I'll try asparagus & parmesan cheese. A sophisticated rodent like Ophelia would never eat plain peanut butter!