Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen,
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now
Starry, starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand
"Vincent" by Don McClean
Details. It's the details that get me every time. I'd be ok. I could manage. Could survive, could at least get by... if not for all those details.
She's around 4. She might even be 5. She's the only one who's not in school yet, which means she gets to spend the day with me. She sleeps too late, my little sleepyhead Fred. It's time to start the routine. We have a great routine. We have a ritual. It's a grab and take, a sweet, sleepy, lovely kidnapping of sorts. I know the drill. Get the boys ready for school - load them in the car. Then my real work begins. Get her blanket - the pink soft one with the ribbon border. Wrap her up. Scoop, carry, deposit, buckle, drive, drop, drive, park, unbuckle, re-scoop, carry, sit, hold, rock, kiss, marvel. It's that simple - I enter her room, make my approach...I'm as quiet and stealth-like as a cat....but there's so much more. Like the way her hair is too long to belong to a girl her age. I can't believe that it's long enough to hang over the side of the bed. It's too puffy, maybe a family of tiny mice has made a mansion along the nape of her neck? I'm supposed to be scooping now, but she's sucking her thumb. I spend an eternity looking at that little mouth. A rosebud. A thumb with a tiny callous. I know I should pull it out, but I secretly admire her. She alone knows the miracle of self-soothing. Disney nightgown. White sheets with pink flowers. The little stuffed kitty that really purrs. I pick her up. I coddle her head against my chest. I smell her breath. This is the smell of Heaven. This is the smell that haunts my dreams. It's cotton candy. It's too ripe bananas. It's the smell of white roses that bloomed exactly three days ago. It's the best smell in the world - the smell of angels' wings and powdery snow. I didn't know then that I should bottle it and sell it - or keep it safe forever. I wish I had that smell now.
It's just the details. I didn't pay close enough attention. I wish I could smell her one more time. Oh, Chynna - I still miss you! Today I miss little you. Little 5 year old pink and white striped wallpaper with antique furniture and a Little Tykes dollhouse in the corner you. Little Esmeralda nightgown & why won't I let you wear your plastic dress-up shoes to the grocery store you. Precious little not old enough to walk to Aunt Kathy's house alone might fall asleep in a beanbag while watching "Little Mermaid" you. Take care, little one. I love you more...triple stamp it, no take backs, gotcha.
And, I commemorate 14 months without my baby girl.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Smells like 1970's Teen Spirit
Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too
Running on-running on empty
Running on-running blind
Running on-running into the sun
But I'm running behind
"Running on Empty" Jackson Browne
Yes, another blog about running! I'm still doing it - go me! Not that there haven't been a few set-backs. I found out that, yes indeed, I am actually old(er). When I tell you my issue, it will make me seem great-great granny old, assisted living old, even house smells like mothballs and gas heaters turned up too high old! It seems that all this running is doing a number on my hip! Yep, havin' some hip issues. So, until I have a bone density scan in a few months (routine for post chemo patients) I can continue to run, but with caution. So, back to my old daily routine of 5 miles, walking 3 and running only 2. If there are hip issues, it will likely stem from chemo induced osteoporosis - very, very common, and in the grand scheme of things (pardon the cliche) just one of the many things that you ignore for the privilege of still being here and prospering! Yes, I still go to the park everyday. Yes, I still see a snake or two a week. Thankfully, some engineers have been on the premises lately and the water underneath the first bridge no longer smells like human poo - thank you very much, City of Forney! Still, its really all about the music, for me at least. I love that hour that I put in at the park because of my music. I get to choose, depending on my mood, from over 700 songs on the old Ipod. I get to decide if I want to wax nostalgic about a crush from elementary school, remember a post football game cruise down Galloway, or even think about my sweet husband and all the concerts we used to go to before life got a little rough. Yes, it's the music that gets me to the park everyday. So, without further adieu, here are my absolute favorite songs I like to run to.....and why!
Popular by Kristin Chenoweth - I LOVE musicals! It's the me I always wanted to be - my name in lights, the roar of the happy crowd, the spotlight....if only I could sing....or dance...or act! OK, now I'm having flashbacks of being in "The Devil and Jabez Stone" in high school and remembering how my stomach churned uncontrollably before every performance. Still, this is a GREAT happy song to run to and it makes me think of how I was going to take Chynna to New York as a graduation present this summer. "Wicked" was the show we truly wanted to see. Besides, you can't not love Kristin Chenoweth! Believe me, I've tried. She's so darn cute.
Piece of Me by Britney Spears - Oh, to be 16 again! When this song is playing I feel transformed. When this song is playing, I have killer abs (in my mind). When this song is playing, I weigh about 110 lbs and the world is my oyster. I have a season pass to White Water and a hot pink bikini with ruffles. I finally learned to manage my eyebrows correctly. I can French braid my own hair. I drown myself in fake Giorgio perfume every morning. Everyone should have one song that makes them feel forever young, pretty/handsome, and on top of the world. Thanks, Brit!
Rapper's Delight by The Sugarhill Gang - It's the fall of my 7th grade year. I'm at my very first boy/girl party at Tonya Foster's house. For the first time, I don't feel quite as odd or strange as I normally do. I'm having a decent hair night. I'm wearing my yellow, black , and white striped shirt that, weeks later, will cause Robby Thompson ( he was THE bad boy of the skating rink who even rode a motorcycle - or was it a dirt bike - all over town and even went to SPRUCE - true sign of a bad a#*!) to call me "his bumblebee" at Super Skate...only to dump me for another girl from Spruce who agreed to go outside with him (I heard scary things about "outside"). Anyway, back to Tonya's party...she puts this record on her record player and my life was transformed. We listened to the song approximately 15 times trying to learn all the words - very difficult to decipher, this new rap stuff! "I said a hip, hop....."
Lay Down Sally by Eric Clapton - As soon as the guitar intro starts, I'm back in the 5th grade. I had just gotten my own phone line in my room (my Dad ran a business from home and finally realized that he was scarring me for life by making me answer the phone saying "Ted's Home Appliance" only to find that it was a BOY!!!) I had a baby blue slimline princess phone. My phone number ended with 4875 and I remember that it made an X when you dialed it - I was on top of the world, especially on this night. This was the night that Tony Styles finally called and asked me to go with him (ok, today's kids say "go out with" but where do they actually go? I'm sticking with the late 70's - mid 80's terminology). Anyway, his brother, Tommy, was in the background and this song was playing. This was a pivotal moment in my life. Tony and I were very much the "power couple" of the 5th grade - for 5 glorious months! That's like a double eternity in the 5th grade. It was tween Heaven, until he granted my succesor the right to break up with me on his behalf....alas, the broken heart of a 5th grade misfit! I guess those rainbow suspenders al a "Mork & Mindy" just weren't doin' it for him anymore!
Tush by ZZ Top - Because after everything is said and done, I'm still just a girl from Seagoville, TX who grew up in a pool hall. It's Friday night, around midnight or so. My mom is busy at the snack bar and I've already barrelled through my allotment of quarters on the pinball machines. The old guy who lived in the back room, Pop Greenhaw, is looking at me out of the corner of his eye, and I know that he has promised my dad that he would keep an eye on me, literally. I'm not allowed to play pool during operating hours, thought that is secretly what I really want to do. Instead, I casually stroll through the foosball machines, past the air hockey, right over to the jukebox. Soon, all the uber cool 70's guys (who all looked like David Cassidy to me) wearing their silk print long sleeved unbuttoned shirts and full out mustaches are calling my name and handing me quarters. I would always pick this song....along with "Beth" by Kiss and, of course, David Soul's "Don't Give up on us Baby".
So, you see, running in the park is very cathartic for me. Every song has a meaning and every meaning takes me back to a certain place and time. Choose your music carefully. Remember things. Smell the smells. See the colors. Feel your heart race. Reinvent yourself for a moment. Let the years and the stress and the worries melt away....and think back to your childhood. Isn't that who we really are, anyway?
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too
Running on-running on empty
Running on-running blind
Running on-running into the sun
But I'm running behind
"Running on Empty" Jackson Browne
Yes, another blog about running! I'm still doing it - go me! Not that there haven't been a few set-backs. I found out that, yes indeed, I am actually old(er). When I tell you my issue, it will make me seem great-great granny old, assisted living old, even house smells like mothballs and gas heaters turned up too high old! It seems that all this running is doing a number on my hip! Yep, havin' some hip issues. So, until I have a bone density scan in a few months (routine for post chemo patients) I can continue to run, but with caution. So, back to my old daily routine of 5 miles, walking 3 and running only 2. If there are hip issues, it will likely stem from chemo induced osteoporosis - very, very common, and in the grand scheme of things (pardon the cliche) just one of the many things that you ignore for the privilege of still being here and prospering! Yes, I still go to the park everyday. Yes, I still see a snake or two a week. Thankfully, some engineers have been on the premises lately and the water underneath the first bridge no longer smells like human poo - thank you very much, City of Forney! Still, its really all about the music, for me at least. I love that hour that I put in at the park because of my music. I get to choose, depending on my mood, from over 700 songs on the old Ipod. I get to decide if I want to wax nostalgic about a crush from elementary school, remember a post football game cruise down Galloway, or even think about my sweet husband and all the concerts we used to go to before life got a little rough. Yes, it's the music that gets me to the park everyday. So, without further adieu, here are my absolute favorite songs I like to run to.....and why!
Popular by Kristin Chenoweth - I LOVE musicals! It's the me I always wanted to be - my name in lights, the roar of the happy crowd, the spotlight....if only I could sing....or dance...or act! OK, now I'm having flashbacks of being in "The Devil and Jabez Stone" in high school and remembering how my stomach churned uncontrollably before every performance. Still, this is a GREAT happy song to run to and it makes me think of how I was going to take Chynna to New York as a graduation present this summer. "Wicked" was the show we truly wanted to see. Besides, you can't not love Kristin Chenoweth! Believe me, I've tried. She's so darn cute.
Piece of Me by Britney Spears - Oh, to be 16 again! When this song is playing I feel transformed. When this song is playing, I have killer abs (in my mind). When this song is playing, I weigh about 110 lbs and the world is my oyster. I have a season pass to White Water and a hot pink bikini with ruffles. I finally learned to manage my eyebrows correctly. I can French braid my own hair. I drown myself in fake Giorgio perfume every morning. Everyone should have one song that makes them feel forever young, pretty/handsome, and on top of the world. Thanks, Brit!
Rapper's Delight by The Sugarhill Gang - It's the fall of my 7th grade year. I'm at my very first boy/girl party at Tonya Foster's house. For the first time, I don't feel quite as odd or strange as I normally do. I'm having a decent hair night. I'm wearing my yellow, black , and white striped shirt that, weeks later, will cause Robby Thompson ( he was THE bad boy of the skating rink who even rode a motorcycle - or was it a dirt bike - all over town and even went to SPRUCE - true sign of a bad a#*!) to call me "his bumblebee" at Super Skate...only to dump me for another girl from Spruce who agreed to go outside with him (I heard scary things about "outside"). Anyway, back to Tonya's party...she puts this record on her record player and my life was transformed. We listened to the song approximately 15 times trying to learn all the words - very difficult to decipher, this new rap stuff! "I said a hip, hop....."
Lay Down Sally by Eric Clapton - As soon as the guitar intro starts, I'm back in the 5th grade. I had just gotten my own phone line in my room (my Dad ran a business from home and finally realized that he was scarring me for life by making me answer the phone saying "Ted's Home Appliance" only to find that it was a BOY!!!) I had a baby blue slimline princess phone. My phone number ended with 4875 and I remember that it made an X when you dialed it - I was on top of the world, especially on this night. This was the night that Tony Styles finally called and asked me to go with him (ok, today's kids say "go out with" but where do they actually go? I'm sticking with the late 70's - mid 80's terminology). Anyway, his brother, Tommy, was in the background and this song was playing. This was a pivotal moment in my life. Tony and I were very much the "power couple" of the 5th grade - for 5 glorious months! That's like a double eternity in the 5th grade. It was tween Heaven, until he granted my succesor the right to break up with me on his behalf....alas, the broken heart of a 5th grade misfit! I guess those rainbow suspenders al a "Mork & Mindy" just weren't doin' it for him anymore!
Tush by ZZ Top - Because after everything is said and done, I'm still just a girl from Seagoville, TX who grew up in a pool hall. It's Friday night, around midnight or so. My mom is busy at the snack bar and I've already barrelled through my allotment of quarters on the pinball machines. The old guy who lived in the back room, Pop Greenhaw, is looking at me out of the corner of his eye, and I know that he has promised my dad that he would keep an eye on me, literally. I'm not allowed to play pool during operating hours, thought that is secretly what I really want to do. Instead, I casually stroll through the foosball machines, past the air hockey, right over to the jukebox. Soon, all the uber cool 70's guys (who all looked like David Cassidy to me) wearing their silk print long sleeved unbuttoned shirts and full out mustaches are calling my name and handing me quarters. I would always pick this song....along with "Beth" by Kiss and, of course, David Soul's "Don't Give up on us Baby".
So, you see, running in the park is very cathartic for me. Every song has a meaning and every meaning takes me back to a certain place and time. Choose your music carefully. Remember things. Smell the smells. See the colors. Feel your heart race. Reinvent yourself for a moment. Let the years and the stress and the worries melt away....and think back to your childhood. Isn't that who we really are, anyway?
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